Hey dawn. sorry i know this is a weird site to be replying your post but i want to keep it more private and stuff and hence have chosen this desolated blog. i hope i don't appear to be too blatant in this post because i dont want to make things worse but this is just how i feel and i hope it might address some of your unhappiness. im not sure myself how im gonna word everything but plaese know that nth here carries an hidden meaning or sarcasm. im not trying to provoke another argument or anything like that. im just gonna tell you very honestly my take on this issue.
i hope you too, know, that both kim and i have always always loved you as our best friend. that will not and never change, even if things between us takes a turn for the worse.
its been pretty, uncomfortable for i believe, all the 3 of us these few days. you, kim and myself. i hope you know that we did not have the intention to leave you out or any sort. in fact, the feeling we had towards you never ever did change throughout the course of this year- at all. my spending more time with her has no relation to how i feel towards you as a friend. its just coincidental and we definitely have no intention at all to exclude you or leave you out. im sorry if we made you feel this way. but i see this matter this way: should me and kim go for dinner/chill/shop/hang out, we would DEFINTELY DEFINTELY ask you along. but to us, its merely just studying. it honestly didnt feel like a compelling need to ask everyone else along. likewise, i wouldnt, im very sure, be affected at all, should kim and yourself study tgt w/out calling me along. you might've felt that way because of other insecurities that i might have contributed to.
the root of this problem is pretty obscured. im not sure whether the problem lies soley with the way am i, the things i do whatsoever, or things became bad when i grew closer to ryan. i really dont know. and i dont know how i should go abut solving the matter should it be the latter cause. if the problem is just with the way i am, like how i get distracted when someone else talks to me while im in the midst of a conversation with you- there's pretty much nothing i can do. i am aware of the bad habit and have tried to change that part of me for years now, but its just me. i know you get unhappy when i divert my attention to someone else when im speaking to you, but everyone is aware that im this way, becuase i dont just do it to you. if you feel offended as such, all i can do is apologise to you for behaving this way. i will try to be more conscious of it but it would help me a bit if you dont react to it by giving that "eye" or whatever you do. because it doesnt make me feel good as well... i dont know.
like you mentioned. your aware of how i detest it when people give me their attitude/outwardly show their unhappiness to me without myself knowing the reason. it only triggers a reaction of me being very pissed off because im unsure of why im being treated that way. telling me my flaws in my face will not hurt our frienship and it wouldnt offend me. because i too know i have many areas to improve my character on but not telling me the reason and displaying unhappiness will just bring out the dam ugly side of me. (haha i think you know this too) and i got really upset when i heard about your reaction towards mel and chu, who merely wanted to improve things between us. no matter how pissed or angry you were at me.
your a nice person to around with too. i enjoy your company a lot and im sure kim does too. disputes are bound to arise as long as there is human interaction and my certain actions make people unhappy, i know. but my (very) patient friends will be able to accept that part of me no matter how bitchy/ugly that side of me might be while the more impatient ones will just scold me about it but i dont blame them. im no where near a perfect friend. i know. but consciously, i try utmost best to do whatever i can for a friend, within my capability. i fall short from expectations many a times and rely on all of you to forgive my horrible and disgusting behaviour. but the 7 deadly sins are omnipresent in everybody; im no exception. dawn, you mean a lot to me, just like all my best friends too. (yah okay i know i've one whole long lists of best friends and you are one of them, but you are special in your own way)
ah shucks i know this hasnt addressed anything cause im just blabbering whatever that comes to mind but all in all: you mean a lot to me. things should never have turned out this way. what do you think the 3 of us should do? i dont know how we can make things better.
P.S.: i think time is what the both of us need. to sort out our thoughts and feelings and our mentality. it made me smile, reading your blog cause it was sweet of you to have said that and make this first move. thank you for that. i hope we'll still have many eating dinner opportunities and crazy-ass shopping trips tgt with pei as well ++++ kbox sessions, screaming the song " Truly, Madly, Deeply" into the mic. cause SDH will always be a part of us... no matter how bad this friendship might ( and hopefully will not be bad) turn out. x
